This month’s Flasher story may or may not be inspired by an actual neighbour of mine. Sure, I embellished some of the details, but I do have an annoying neighbour whose shouts and screams often travel up to my home office.

I would love to be able to send a letter like this, but I would probably end up on the evening news.

~ ~ ~

Dear Neighbour,

Please stop yelling at your children in our shared entryway. The sound travels and we can hear every colourful word that comes out of your mouth all the way up on the second floor.

I don’t care what your reasoning is. No child deserves to be verbally abused, no matter what your boys may or may not have done.

As someone who grew up with an abusive parent like you, I can confirm that this will not end well. Your children – if they have not already begun to do so – will grow to resent you. I myself enforced a “no contact” rule with my parent. I guarantee your boys will consider doing the same.

Since you have ignored our previous noise complaints, I have taken measures to ensure that this does not happen again.

By now, I’m sure you’re worried that your current boyfriend is not responding to your calls. I have his phone in my possession, which you are more than welcome to come claim at your earliest convenience. Otherwise, I will dispose of it after a week.

Should you doubt my sincerity, I have enclosed a collection of assorted appendages within this envelope. I will deliver the rest of the remains to you once both the noise and the mistreatment of your children stops.

Don’t worry – I am keeping your boyfriend in my freezer to ensure he does not rot before you have a chance to collect him.

I do hope that you will take our noise complaints seriously going forward.

All the best,

Your concerned neighbour

P.S. See you at the community BBQ this weekend!