CW: death, grief, depression, chronic pain, medical content, daddy issues
(can’t you see how fun this post is going to be?)
As I’m sure you’ve already guessed by the title of this blog post, not a whole lot of actual writing happened this month.
I went into May full of hope and optimism. I had finished onboarding and training for a contract gig that promised a decent pay. I was going to use that money to catch up on bills and invest in my publishing. My chronic pain was under control. I had grand plans for writing and editing.
Then all hell broke loose.
The week of May 4th, I was crying every day. The contract took a significant toll on my physical and mental health, and my chronic pain got worse. Like “back to square one before I started medication” worse. By May 7th, I had a full blown panic attack / mental breakdown and knew something needed to change.
At first, management was willing to work with me to figure out disability accommodations for my contract. But after part time hours had been approved, less than a week later I was told my contract was being terminated. Based on the language of the emails I received, compared to conversations with my direct supervisor, either there had been some serious miscommunication (something I learned was all too frequent among leadership for this contract), or they were looking for an excuse to cut contract staff and nothing I said or did was going to change the outcome.
Either way, I’m glad to be free of that job. It is in my top 3 of most poorly managed contracts I’ve ever worked.
Of course, I had a follow up with my doctor. We discussed plans for dealing with my pain, and I have yet another follow up booked. I am also close to becoming a fainting risk, but that should be reversable given what the most likely cause is. I have a bit of medical homework over the next month to try to rid myself of dizzy spells, so wish me luck.
Surely, that was the worst of it, right?
Wrong.
Earlier this week, my husband heard from his sisters that his father wasn’t doing well, so we decided to pay him a visit in case this was goodbye. Less than an hour after we left his long term care home, we got the call he had passed. Although I knew my father-in-law for almost a decade, most of that time he was riddled with dementia and could not remember who I was (although he always smiled when I visited). So although most of my grief was contained to the day of, my priority right now is to care for my husband while he grieves.
And that’s it?
Nope.
As I write this, I have multiple alarms set to go off at regular intervals so that I can check on Finn. The poor boy is not doing well, and despite a vet visit yesterday, we may have to bring him to the emergency vet this afternoon. One theory is that he is severely constipated. For his sake, and mine / Mark’s, I really hope that’s all it is.
Miraculously, I have gotten some writing done this month. I finished another round of intensive edits of Skull Daddy II: Mother/Father and I think I might be ready for the developmental editor now. My alter ego, Throckmorton, is slowly chipping away at The King of Clowns, although I hope to make some serious progress on that in June for… reasons. Stay tuned for those updates as I may be on the hunt for beta readers at the end of that month.
And most miraculous of all, I have started a “new” project. A few years ago, I started writing a short story / novella called From the Lake and then I eventually abandoned it before I could finish the first draft. I liked the concept, by something about it was lacking and I didn’t know how to fix it. Plus, that cosmic horror story was partly inspired by the area where my father lives, and he and I have since gone no-contact.
But I was recently stuck with inspiration and figured out how to fix the mess I started. And as a bonus, I came up with a great way to use the trauma I have from my relationship with my father. I’m not saying I’m making him into the main villain (he does not deserve that), but there may be what I like to call a “soggy ghost” in the story that is heavily inspired by him.
Also, I’m starting to feel like I’ve cursed myself. When I was working on draft 1 of GOATS, a story about grief (among other things), I ended up grieving the loss of one of my grandmothers. And now I’m re-starting draft 1 of From the Lake, another story about grief (among other things), and well… *gestures broadly at this entire past month*. I guess I need to stop writing depressing stories and just focus on disturbing. I mean, I have been doing some serious plotting and brainstorming for the sequel of The Tunnel and it will be disturbing.
Oh, wait.
The period of my life inspiring that sequel was also filled with grief.
I’m doomed, aren’t I?
Oh well.
All things considered, I think I’ve been handling this month’s depression fairly well. In fact, I’m so depressed / stressed / exhausted that I’ve cycled back around to calm / numb because I’m all cried out. But luckily, I do have good things to look forward to. I mean, look at all the cool projects I’m writing. The subject matter may be bleak, but I’m having a lot of fun with those stories.
And I’ve attended some phenomenal events this past month; plus, I’ve got even more cool stuff booked over the rest of the summer. In fact, this Sunday, May 31st, I’ll be hosting my first ever Books on Tap since I took over the event. Based on the interested generated so far, I think I’ll be able to grow this recurring event into exactly what I want it to be. Also, there are going to be some phenomenal authors there, and a hangout with them (as well as any readers who show up) is just what I need right now.
So, things will get better even though it doesn’t necessarily feel that way at this exact moment in time. But like I often say: I’ll be fine, I just need to be dramatic about it first.
Until next time, stay spooky!
